dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Randomize
