I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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