Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Randomize
