I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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