How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
