she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
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