Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
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