OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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