Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
