Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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