i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
