the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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