what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
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I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
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Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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