I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
