so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
