stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
