it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
