He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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