Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
