I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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