Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
