i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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