this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
