i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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