did you get engaged???
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
