1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
