Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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