what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
