Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Randomize
