My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
The beer is more important than you right now.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
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