I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
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Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
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His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
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