The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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