Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
