So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
