no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
