Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
