I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
