So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
