just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
