I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
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I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
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You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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