drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Randomize
