the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Randomize
