tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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