the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
My ATM looks so different sober.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Randomize
