I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
