my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
