shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
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they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
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It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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