my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Still dying that you shit outside
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
