I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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