Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
