No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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